Facing Fear-

Sometimes I feel like I do not have an unusually low amount of fear. I do not really notice it until I am with others. I was not afraid of the dark until I was locked outside.
I was not afraid of land mines until someone pointed out the red stones, which mark a land mine area. But I do have fears and as I prepared for this journey around the world I had to really struggle with facing them. The fears have come in three consecutive waves getting bigger with each one. The first real struggle was fear of running out of money. I do not know why this bothered me for so long but it voided the trip in my mind for many months. Then I met vagabonds that backpacked all over the world on less then $5 a day and not just one but a dozen. Then it was decided in my mind that on $5 a day I can travel for almost 5 years. And I have found that when I take a step of faith that the money is always there.
Then the next fear was being alone. I learned that living in the mountains of Afghanistan that loneliness is not so bad. Really it does not have to be loneliness but rather aloneness. I found that so many brilliant ideas are born and the creativity flows and deep within my soul I learn to listen. Clarity of mind and a deeper peace I found in my time in Afghanistan. One of my biggest struggles since being in the States has been all the noise and it feels like my ears would start bleeding. All the clutter of noise I cannot comprehend. Aloneness can be one of the greatest teachers we have in life. But I have never been alone for days and days on end, and I am quite sure that my limits will be stretched on this next journey.

The greatest of my fear comes from the fear of myself. I do not know if I have ever really seen deeply into my soul. All my life I have lived in the boundaries, but what happens when there are no boundaries? What happens when the bubble is broken and the walls all fall down? What happens when no one is watching? The unknown deep down is really what scares me. What happens when I have to trust in God alone, not in all the self help crap or the ten steps to avoid peer pressure? What happens when there is only the love of God and his loving touch? Will he be more than enough? He knows how fickle my heart can be and how easily I can chase after the things of the world.

So many people who call themselves Christians live with such hatred and animosity in their hearts, the ugliness chokes out their message of love that they claim to proclaim. They cover up decay and rot in their lives while condemning the world.

Deep inside the marrow of our bones we find truth, not in who we say we are, not in some doctrine that we acknowledge, not in some entertainment performance that we call church, but when we are all alone with nothing but the beat of our hearts.

The best way to know is to face fear straight on, with nothing but the beat of a drum. Money, loneliness and self will consume us until we know that they are no masters of our lives and then on that day you will find a true nomad.